Top 10 Outrageous Products From Aerostich

The best white elephant gifts…if they really existed.

Aerostich is a motorcycle gear company that is most recognizable for its one- and two-piece suits, jackets, or pants, but did you know the company’s catalog and website are sprinkled with hilarious “Special Products” that would make the most memorable white elephant gifts? That is, if they were real. On the site you can find made-up Easter eggs like the Adventure Child Carrier, Truck Stop Salmonella Detector, or the TechMo CellNo Phone pop up at random or during product searches. You can also find a secret click-through to see all of them together hidden in one of the pull-down navigation menus.

When we asked Aerostich’s founder Andy Goldfine what started this hilarity, he responded that it all began around 1995 with the company’s print catalog, and that these entries were meant to editorially comment about various topics like motorcycle experiences, the culture surrounding motorcycling, technology, and materialism in general.

In the print catalog the product numbers would link up to reveal a secret message. When you go to purchase one of the products online the “Add To Cart” button hyperlinks to random but related off-site articles such as “Future Fashion: 10 Wearable Tech Trends To Watch,” when you attempt to buy the Extra-Tech Package, for example.

There are more than 80 Easter eggs, but here are 10 of the best nonexistent products that got our office laughing. Do you have any favorites? See if you can find some on the Aerostich site, and don’t forget to check out Aerostich’s real products too—every self-respecting motorcyclist should have an Aerostich one-piece suit on their short list of must-haves.

Extra-Tech Package (R-3)

Extra-Tech Package
You will be the talk of the town and out-tech every rider with the Extra-Tech Package.Aerostich

With a coffee maker, emergency parachute, universal nightlight holder, deployable chaff screens, calibrated phase change monitors, and scuba tank attachment points we can’t blame the reviewer for saying the Extra-Tech Package (R-3) is the “Best Riding Suit Add-On Ever!”

Riding Enough? Meter

Riding Enough? Meter
Are you really sure you ride enough? Well, there is a meter that can determine that.Aerostich

Using the highest technology available on the market today, the Riding Enough? Meter uses solar, lunar, motion, and precipitation sensors to track if you are logging enough miles. In case you have put on the miles that result in dirty socks, underwear, or Aerostich suit, the meter’s add-on will tell you when to clean those filthy garments. How neat is that?

Collapsible Adventure Ladder

collapsible adventure ladder
Extend the collapsible adventure ladder easily to mount your motorcycle to the top of a bus. Because everyone needs to do that, right?Aerostich

Manufactured by B.S. Tokstead Industries the Collapsible Adventure Ladder can be used to scale walls or even be used to load a 260-pound motorcycle onto the “roofs of buses for long-distance transport.” How convenient!

Aerostich Magnetic Baby Onesie

Magnetic Baby Onesie
Your baby doesn’t want to miss out on the fun ride. Now they won’t.Aerostich

The Magnetic Baby Onesie was made so you can bring your baby along for the ride by using the magnets to attach the tyke to the tank. Waterproof zippers enclose the baby in the abrasion-resistant 500-denier Gore-Tex Cordura. Apparently, it has even been tested at speeds up to 140 mph. Don’t worry, for added safety you can connect the safety leash to the handlebar.

Sidestand Plate App

plate app
An app that solves your sinking problems.Aerostich

You know there is an app for everything nowadays, so why not an app that stops your motorcycle’s sidestand from sinking in soft dirt or mud? The Sidestand Plate app is compatible with iPhone 5 and 6, and also available for Kindles, Nooks, and Surfaces.

Carbon Fiber Grow Kit

Carbon fiber garden
Now your garden can finally be complete.Aerostich

Wouldn’t it be nice to just grow your own carbon-fiber fairing right next to the tomatoes you have in the backyard? Well the Carbon Fiber Grow Kit is just for you! Want to make your car’s shell out of carbon fiber too? You might need to wait until the next big rainy season, but it will be well worth the wait.

Sphere of Paradoxness

Sphere of Paradoxness
Protect yourself from the outside world with the Sphere of Paradoxness.Aerostich

For only $9,005.97?! Give us 10! According to the site, a “high-tech electro-plasma-induced force field creates protective riding sphere around rider and bike” to give riders access to the feeling of protection cars provide. There is, however, a catch in that no objects can enter the sphere, but the rider is still subject to Newton’s Laws inside. Hence, the paradox. As the description concludes: “Protected from outside dangers, vulnerable to problems within.”

Loud Pipes Save Lives Cassette Tape

Loud Pipes Save Lives
Whether you are commuting down side streets or taking on the open road, either Side A or Side B of the Loud Pipes Save Lives cassette tape will be a perfect accompaniment to your silent machine.Aerostich

Cruising or commuting, the Loud Pipes Save Lives cassette tape hogifies your quiet bike with 90 minutes of V-twin grumble. We recommend this to electric motorcycle owners. People will hear you before they see you.

Burnout-In-A-Can

Burnout can
Rubber-burning mayhem without wearing down parts of your motorcycle. Sounds (and smells) like a win-win to me.Aerostich

A simple and effective product, Burnout-In-A-Can saves your motorcycle from the stress of an actual burnout, but still produces the sounds and smoke. The product is made of organic products so it won’t damage the pavement of roads or parking lots.

Head Tent

Head tent
Packable and convenient for any motorcycle camping trip, the head tent is a must-have.Aerostich

Even full-size “compact” camping tents can take a lot of your precious cargo space, so when you head to the next motorcycle rally or race weekend, just take the Head Tent with you. You can have your body protected from the elements with your Aerostich suit, so all that’s left is some coverage for your noggin. The head tent’s dimensions are as follows: 20x18x18 inches.