Thieves Embarrass Their Own Motorcycle by (Accidentally) Choosing Female MMA Fighter as Target

Petty criminals get robbed—of their wheels, and their dignity.

MMA fighter Monique Bastos

Can’t a girl even go to jiu-jitsu class anymore without being hassled by cellphone-snatching thieves riding two-up on what was presumably a fairly lightweight motorcycle? No. She can’t. And purely in terms of delivering glee to those who like to see justice visited on bad behavior, that’s kind of a great thing.

So very many lessons went down on the streets of Acailandia, Brazil, on a recent Tuesday night that I cannot wait to unfurl them for you like a party kazoo. 1) Don't steal; 2) don't steal from MMA fighters; 3) don't mistake women for not-MMA fighters; 4) if you're going to steal from an MMA fighter, don't share a motorcycle to do it. And last but definitely not least, 5) if you somehow mess up 1–4 and find yourself unable to escape a 20-minute-long triangle choke hold that's been applied to your neck by cheerful 23-year-old professional MMA fighter Monique Bastos, try not to cry about it on film.

MMA vs thieves video screenshot

Despite reports that the thief in question called alternately for his mother, his father, and Jesus while Bastos, like, "encouraged" him to wait for the police, he's by far the least interesting thing about this story—and the moment that really deserves to be seen wasn't caught on film. So let's read how Monique described it, as told to MMAFighting.com's Guilherme Cruz:

"I was going to my jiu-jitsu training, when they arrived on a motorcycle and said they wanted our phones. I tried to hold my phone, and I realized they were not armed. When they tried to escape, I lifted the rear wheel of the bike and they fell on the ground."

She lifted the rear wheel of a motorcycle while two grown men sat on it, and did so significantly enough to dump them on the ground. I don't care what you ride in what country; load up a freaking bicycle with two adults and give that a try.

In short, Monique Bastos deserves all the cell phones she wants and a hell of a high-five—and I would not be shy about asking her to be gentle.